I have never thought of myself as strong. Physically or mentally really. I can barely lift my 60 pound kids in class, I have no arm muscle, I cry at basically everything. I’m highly emotional. I feel things so intensely that I sometimes can’t get out of bed because of how much I’m feeling. I sometimes can’t answer the phone or put a bite of food in me because of my feelings. I used to think that meant I was weak.
I was wrong.
I like that I’ve experienced so many feelings. This, as it turns out, does not mean that I’m weak. It means I am growing and strengthening and not pushing things down. I recently went through and am continuing to go through a heartbreak. I’ve gone through heartbreak before. I actually found a post in my drafts describing how raw and deteriorated I became from the last time I was heartbroken. I couldn’t believe I was even capable of feeling those feelings. Now that it’s happening again, but with someone I truly cared about, who truly cared about me, I feel different. I used to think to myself “I honestly know that if this relationship doesn’t work out at least I’ve been through so much already I know I’ll be okay.” That mostly still stands true. I do know I’ll be okay. I don’t feel okay most of the time and I am sad but I know that these situations take time and healing and strength.
I’m amazed at what the human heart can go through. We can experience so much ache and pain and destruction but it all has to do with how we process things. After knowing what I went through in a previous relationship, I first thought that I didn’t want to feel anything. I was all set with even considering thinking sad thoughts. I was fine and I would be fine so I’m fine. I’m learning now that just because you don’t allow yourself to process and feel something does not mean you’re fine. I think this eventually catches up to you. Even those who “relationship hop” and seem well and adjusted and end up with that person. Eventually you will have to feel and deal with the consequences of those feelings. The consequence I’ve realized are growth and strength. I’m proud to continuously let my heart get beat up. I know it can seem pathetic to be sad over the “small things.” Nobody died, nobody is sick, nothing “tragic” per se happened. But it’s important to take these little beatings and to reflect and learn from them. It’s not any easier this time around it’s just different.
And I think that is 100% because I am stronger this time around.
Thank you for reading and continuing to read my posts, I try not to only post my reflections about my heart but it’s what speaks to me most of the time. Please let me know of any feedback or feel free to reach out with suggestions or your own questions, my loves.