Remain or Change?

I’m back loves! It’s taken me a long time to come back to writing. Even my own journal has looked bleak for months now because I couldn’t bring myself to write anything on the pages. Writing gets me through a lot of confusing times and it generally brings me a sense of clarity but I’ve noticed a pattern developing in my life. I hate writing down when I’m happy because I’m scared that my life will change drastically shortly after writing it down. This leaves me to only write when I’m upset which isn’t necessarily healthy either. For weeks I’ve been thinking of what to write about because I don’t want to write a depressing piece but nothing has gone particularly “right” lately either. Sometimes I see my blog as a personal diary so it’s hard for me to hold back writing down everything that’s happened to me. I would love to invite you all into my life via this platform. It would make things easier to sort out and allow me to write down my exact emotions.

Since that is probably frowned upon on the internet (actually is it??), I’d like to offer some insight into what I’ve reflected on these past few weeks. Through the course of a matter of weeks I feel like I’ve gone through as many life changes as a 26 year old possibly could. The relationships I’ve experienced, not just romantically, have all continued to shape who I am and who I’m turning into. What I’ve realized about myself is that I truly am traveling on a path of growth and that is something I can stand on in a positive light. What I’ve experienced this past month, had I experienced it 2 years ago or even a year ago, would have had a vastly different ending. When life gives you the opportunity to demonstrate growth, you can either take the same route or create change. That change is the tricky part. As much as I wanted to continue on the same path and remain comfortable yet anxious, satisfied yet lonely, and happy in small bursts yet depressed in the long run, I knew I needed to take what I’ve learned from my years of life experience and really apply it to the situation.

This was a surreal experience for me. I felt like I became who I’ve always wanted to be. This doesn’t mean that I wake up daily loving every moment because of the choice that I made. Most days I’m anxious and I can’t help but feel like because of the difficult choice I made it causes me to be unhappy much of the time and that makes me think I made the wrong choice. But I think if I continue to make these smart but difficult decisions I’ll get to where I really want to go. I know this sounds like a ramble, writing it down makes me feel like I’m rambling. But I created this blog for this exact reason. The ramblings that I write generally can be connected with because I know I’m not the only one going through this. I’d love to know of some experiences that others my age go through where they really can appreciate the growth they’ve made and have a story to prove it. As hard as it is to let go of who you were and what you once allowed into your life, it’s something that you can really make yourself proud of.

I can’t sit here and say what a bad ass I feel like and motivate you to be the bad bitch you’ve always wanted to be because most days I’ll admit I have a very hard time coming to terms with who I’ll be that day. But I know deep down I made the right choice and that’s pretty bad ass in itself.

Thanks for reading loves, xoxo TwentyClueless


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